Understanding Relational Resilience
Some of the most important people in our lives weren’t people we intentionally went looking for.
We met because we happened to sit next to each other. We were introduced by someone else. We worked on the same project. We ended up in the same room. We said yes to something that almost didn’t happen.
Sometimes, a relationship that eventually becomes one of our strongest Branches begins almost by accident.
The encounter is only the beginning. Over time, something happens.
- A person notices a strength in you that you haven’t recognized.
- They ask a question that makes you think differently.
- They challenge you when you getting in your own way.
- They open a door.
- They tell you the truth.
- They create an opportunity for you to stretch.
- They remind you who you are when you forget.
And sometimes, years later, you look back and realize:
That person became one of my Branches!
What Relationships Teach Us
We often talk about building our networks as if relationships are something we can collect. More connections. More contacts. More followers. More people to call when we need something.
In the Resilience Tree™, Branches represent Relational Resilience: the relationships, communities, and connections that help us grow, adapt, and navigate challenges.
A strong Branch isn’t defined by how long you’ve known someone, how impressive their title is, or how many mutual connections you have.
..And not every relationship that begins with promise becomes a strong Branch.
Strong Branches require discernment, trust, reciprocity, and intentionality.
Relationships develop. They reveal themselves over time.
- Some become sources of encouragement.
- Some challenge us.
- Some create opportunities.
- Some help us see possibilities we couldn’t see on our own
- Some teach us, often through hindsight, what we need to look for in healthier relationships.
A relationship may begin with an unexpected encounter, but what happens next matters.
Over time, we learn who someone is, what the relationship makes possible, and whether it is worth investing in.
The Four Stages of a Strong Branch
A relationship doesn’t become a strong Branch simply because we meet the right person.
It develops over time. Sometimes slowly. Sometimes unexpectedly.
I think about that development in four stages: Encounter. Discernment. Cultivation. Contribution.
1. Encounter
We meet someone. Sometimes intentionally. Sometimes completely by chance.
A colleague. A classmate. A supervisor. A mentor. A friend of a friend. Someone who happens to sit beside us at an event.
The encounter may seem ordinary at the time. We rarely know which introductions will become significant.
The encounter creates the possibility. It doesn’t determine the outcome.
2. Discernment
We learn what this relationship is. This is where we begin to pay attention.
When we’re discerning who and what helps us grow, it also helps to know ourselves.
One of the ways I help people do that is by paying attention to the clues that show us where we naturally thrive.
In my Resilience Tree™ Stories, I’ve translated CliftonStrengths®’ 5 Clues to Talent into five simple questions:
☀️ Sunshine Clues: What makes you light up?
🐝 Easy-Beezy Clues: What comes easily to you when others find it hard?
🌱 Get-Up-and-Go Clues: What fills you up instead of wears you out?
🔄 Again-and-Again Clues: What do you return to over and over?
🎉 Celebrate Clues: What are you proud of, and what do others celebrate about you?
These clues can help us notice where we naturally bring energy, strength, and contribution.
And that matters when we’re discerning advice from the people around you.
The right Branch doesn’t simply tell you where to go. They help us notice what already makes us come alive.
3. Cultivation
We choose to invest. A relationship may begin by chance, but strong relationships rarely deepen by accident alone.
Trust takes time. So does reciprocity. So does authenticity.
We make the phone call. We check in. We make time. We share honestly. We show up. We celebrate one another’s growth. We offer support when it isn’t convenient. And we pay attention to whether the investment flows both ways.
A question to sitting with is: Am I intentionally cultivating this Branch, or simply hoping it grows on it’s own?
4. Contribution
The relationship begins to strengthen both people.
One of my Branches, Teri Bump, shared something with me years ago that has stayed with me:
At some point, the only way to get to the next step is to tell someone else where you want to go.
I’ve found that to be true. People can’t open doors they don’t know you’re hoping to walk through.
Sometimes a strong Branch creates an opportunity. Sometimes they make an introduction. Sometimes they challenge us. Sometimes they speak our name in a room we’re not in and eventually, we do the same for them.
Because the strongest relationships aren’t simply about what someone can do for us. They become relationships where we contribute to each other’s growth.
That is when a connection begins to feel less like networking and more like relational resilience.
🌳 This Week’s Resilience Tree™ Check
Think about one relationship that has become, or may be becoming, a strong Branch in your life.
Take a moment to consider:
- Who am I becoming because of this relationship?
What strengths, perspectives, confidence, courage, or possibilities are emerging? - What does this person help me see that I might not see on my own?
What do they notice, question, or understand that expands your perspective? - How does this relationship challenge or stretch me?
What do they encourage you to consider, try, change, or see differently? - What can I do to tend this Branch?
How can you invest in, appreciate, support, or strengthen this relationship?
You may not know immediately what role a relationship will play in your life. Some Branches grow slowly. Some emerge unexpectedly and some become strong Branches only after years of shared experiences, challenges, and growth.
The goal isn’t to have more Branches. It’s to notice which relationships help you grow, and tend them well.
Living the Resilience Tree™
A tree doesn’t need every branch to serve the same purpose. Some reach toward the light. Some create space for new growth. Some carry fruit. Some provide structure.
Our relationships can be much the same. The goal isn’t to collect as many connections as possible. It’s to recognize which relationships are becoming strong Branches, and to be intentional about how we tend those.
Because advancement isn’t the only measure of growth.
Sometimes the more important question is:
Who is helping me become who I’m meant to be?
And perhaps an even more important one:
What kind of branch am I becoming for someone else?
Keep tending,
Dr. Shauna T. Sobers
Leadership Facilitator | Coach | Author
Inspiring leaders to embrace their strengths, build resilience, and create ecosystems where they can thrive.
This reflection is part of my ongoing series exploring resilience, leadership, and the Resilience Tree™ framework. Read about it on my webpage – https://shaunatsobers.com/resiliencetree/
If it resonates, I’d love to hear your story in the comments or join the conversation in the Resilience Tree Grove: A women-centered space for reflection, growth, and connection – https://www.linkedin.com/groups/18348031/
Written by Dr. Shauna T. Sobers with drafting assistance provided by OpenAI’s ChatGpt. The thoughts & stories are my own.