What if some of our strongest relationships aren’t found, but discovered?
When I asked the women who participated in my research to reflect on the people who had made the biggest difference in their lives and leadership, something caught my attention.
Many of them recognized those relationships in hindsight.
They weren’t necessarily people they had gone looking for.
They didn’t always call them mentors at the time.
They weren’t necessarily relationships they had intentionally identified as part of their leadership development plan.
Sometimes, they were simply people they happened to meet.
A colleague.
A supervisor.
A classmate.
A friend of a friend.
Someone they happened to sit beside.
Over time, though, something happened.
A connection became a relationship.
A relationship became a source of support, challenge, possibility, or perspective.
And eventually, they could look back and say:
That person changed something for me.
This makes me cautious when we tell emerging leaders, “Go find a mentor.”
Mentorship can be incredibly valuable. So can sponsorship, coaching, and professional networks.
But what if some of our strongest relationships aren’t found?
What if they are discovered?
In the Resilience Tree™, I think about this through the lens of Relational Resilience.
Our Branches are the people who witness us, believe in us, challenge us, connect us to possibilities, and sometimes help us see what we cannot yet see for ourselves.
But not every connection becomes a strong Branch.
So how does one become one?
Four Stages of a Strong Branch
I think about the development of these relationships in four stages:
Encounter. Discernment. Cultivation. Contribution.
1. Encounter
We meet someone.
The encounter creates a possibility.
But meeting someone doesn’t tell us what the relationship will become.
We can simply notice.
What happens when we talk?
How do I feel around this person?
What do I notice about myself?
What possibilities does this connection open?
Sometimes the first clue that someone may become a strong Branch is simply that we leave the interaction feeling a little more like ourselves.
2. Discernment
We learn what the relationship actually is.
This is where we begin paying attention.
Does this person genuinely see me?
Do they help me see something in myself that I hadn’t noticed?
Do they challenge me without diminishing me?
Do they celebrate my growth without making it about themselves?
Do I feel like I have to become smaller around them?
Or do I feel invited to become more fully myself?
A strong Branch doesn’t simply tell you where to go.
They help you notice what already makes you come alive.
3. Cultivation
We choose to invest.
A promising relationship doesn’t automatically become a strong one.
It needs attention.
A text.
A phone call.
A check-in.
An honest conversation.
Showing up when it matters.
Celebrating someone’s growth.
Sharing something you’re working through.
Asking for help. Offering help.
Trust grows through these small moments.
So the question isn’t only:
Who do I know?
It is also:
Which relationships am I intentionally cultivating?
We often talk about wanting a strong network.
But strong Branches don’t appear simply because we have a lot of connections.
They grow because we tend them.
4. Contribution
Eventually, the relationship becomes reciprocal.
At some point, the person who helped you see something in yourself may need you to see something in them.
The person who opened a door for you may need you to make an introduction.
The person who encouraged you to take the next step may need someone to encourage them.
Teri Bump once shared a lesson that has stayed with me:
“At some point, the only way to get to the next step is to tell someone else where you want to go.”
Strong Branches can help us get there.
They may speak our name in a room we aren’t in.
They may challenge our thinking.
They may remind us of our capacity.
And eventually, we become that kind of Branch for someone else.
That is where relational resilience becomes more than receiving support.
It becomes contribution.
What Makes a Branch Strong?
A strong Branch isn’t necessarily the person who can do the most for us.
It may not be the person with the biggest title, the largest network, or the most impressive résumé.
Sometimes the strongest Branch is simply the person who consistently helps us become more fully ourselves.
They witness us.
They believe in us.
They challenge us.
They connect us.
They tell us the truth.
They celebrate our growth.
And they make room for us to grow beyond who we’ve been.
The goal isn’t to have the biggest canopy.
The goal is to cultivate relationships that help us grow—and to become the kind of Branch that helps others do the same.
Take a Moment to Reflect
Think about one relationship in your life that has become—or may be becoming—a strong Branch.
Ask yourself:
🌿 Encounter: How did we meet?
🌿 Discernment: What does this person help me see about myself or my possibilities?
🌿 Cultivation: How am I intentionally tending this relationship?
🌿 Contribution: What am I able to offer this person in return?
And perhaps the question underneath all four:
Who am I becoming because of this relationship?
Then turn the question around:
What kind of Branch am I becoming for someone else?
Because resilience isn’t only about having people who help us stand.
Sometimes it is about becoming someone who helps another person stand, stretch, reach, and grow.
That is relational resilience.
And like every living part of the Resilience Tree™, it needs tending.
Who is helping you grow?
And whose growth are you helping to tend?
Keep tending. 🌱
Dr. Shauna T. Sobers is known for making complex concepts into actionable strategic tools. Helping leaders embrace their strengths, build resilience, and create environments where people can thrive.
The Living the Resilience Tree™ newsletter explores the everyday practices, relationships, strengths, and conditions that help us grow and thrive.
If this way of thinking about leadership resonates with you, I’d love to bring the Resilience Tree™ to your team or organization → through a workshop, retreat, or facilitated experience. I work with leaders and teams to build practical capacity for resilience, meaningful relationships, and sustainable growth.
Continue tending your Resilience Tree™
📖 Read: The Resilience Tree: A Model for Women Leaders of Color and Those Who Support Them
🎧 Listen: Living the Resilience Tree Podcast
🌱 Explore: Children’s Resilience Tree Stories
Written by Dr. Shauna T. Sobers with drafting assistance provided by OpenAI’s ChatGpt. The thoughts & stories are my own.