“I don’t know why people keep telling me how much what I did helped them or what I mean to them,” my colleague said over the phone.
“I just helped. It’s not a big deal. I believed in them, so I helped. Wouldn’t anyone do that?”
She said it so sincerely, as if her actions were automatic and expected. But I had to pause her.
No, it’s not just helping.
Based on my resilience research, I created a model called The Resilience Tree which is a visual metaphor for what it takes to sustain and grow through adversity. One of the key components of that model is what I call Branches: the people who believe in your potential and extend themselves to support you not because it benefits them, but because they genuinely want the best for you.
These are the people who reach out to encourage, connect, and guide you.
The people who see something in you that you may not yet see in yourself.
My research participants talked about them all the time.
They spoke of the mentors, friends, professors, family members, and even managers who tapped them on the shoulder and said:
“Hey, you’d be great at this.”
“I see something in you.”
“Have you considered applying for that opportunity?”
In that moment, a seed was planted.
The comment or encouragement shined a light in a direction the person hadn’t considered. Once it was illuminated, they began to see the possibility for themselves and eventually, they pursued it. But if no one had shined that light? Who knows if they would’ve walked that path at all.
So no, when you help someone, when you believe in them before they believe in themselves, you are not “just helping.” You are becoming a Branch in their Resilience Tree.
I also reminded my colleague of this:
We are so quick to internalize criticism, but so quick to dismiss compliments.
Someone says something unkind, and we wear it like a weighted cloak. We analyze it, overthink it, replay it on a loop.
But when someone shares kind, thoughtful words we dismiss that. Thinking,
“They’re just being nice.”
“They probably say that to everyone.”
“It wasn’t a big deal.”
We brush it off.
Why?
Why do we let insults seep into our core but let compliments bounce off without a second glance?
Kindness is never “just” anything.
If someone takes the time to express how you’ve impacted them, believe them! Unpack their words. Look for the pattern. It’s often in those moments that our true gifts are revealed.
The third thing I shared with my colleague was about talent.
One of the greatest insights from CliftonStrengths, Gallup’s strengths-based development tool, is that we often overlook our gifts. Why?
Because they come so naturally.
They feel easy. Familiar. Automatic.
So we assume everyone else can do them too.
But that’s not the case.
The thing you do effortlessly may be exactly what someone else finds daunting. That’s not coincidence that’s talent (a natural, reoccurring pattern of thought, feeling, or behavior that can be productively applied). and with some investment that can become a strength (the ability to consistently produce a positive outcome through near-perfect performance in a specific activity)
So I challenged her and and now I challenge you:
The next time someone gives you a compliment, don’t dismiss it.
Pause. Receive it. Reflect.
Ask yourself:
“Where else do I show up this way?”
“What does this say about what energizes me or comes naturally?”
“How can I develop this gift and aim it toward my purpose?”
Because it’s never “just” helping.
When you show up for someone, believe in them, and offer support with no agenda,
you are strengthening their resilience.
You are becoming a branch.
And that is a big deal.