I was sitting in a meeting, heart racing, rehearsing what I wanted to say.
But instead of speaking up, I smiled, nodded, and stayed silent.
Later, frustration welled up inside me. I knew my insight mattered. So why didn’t I speak?
It wasn’t fear of public speaking or lack of preparation. It was a trauma response.
My nervous system had learned that staying quiet was safer. That being agreeable kept the peace. That shrinking earned me survival—especially in rooms not built for me.
That moment was a wake-up call.
Because even as a leader, my self-talk was leading me. And it wasn’t grounded in truth, it was still echoing old survival patterns / coping mechanisms.
The Fawning Trauma Response
Have you ever found yourself agreeing with something at work just to keep the peace, even when inside you strongly disagreed?
Have you ever stayed silent during meetings, worried that speaking up will cause conflict?
Most people have heard of the trauma responses: fight, flight, or freeze.
But there’s a fourth response, fawn1, where survival depends on pleasing or appeasing others to avoid danger or rejection.
This response is especially common within racial trauma, where navigating hostile environments demands extra care.
A powerful example of fawning in media is when Celie from The Color Purple described her intercourse with husband Mr.
“Most times I pretend I ain’t there… He just do his business, get off, go to sleep.”3
That line still haunts me.
Not just for its rawness but because it captures how our nervous system learns to go silent to survive.
In many ways, fawning is a form of dissociation and submission; mechanisms that help us get through unsafe situations, but that can leave us disconnected from our full power.
For women leaders of color, fawning can be an invisible force shaping our workplace experience:
- We become “easy to work with.”
- We never “make waves”.
- We say “yes” even when we’re full.
We think we’re being professional, but we’re really being protective.
Fawning in the Workplace
As I sat in that department meeting, surrounded by mid-managers and senior leaders, I listened to the changes that would significantly increase my team’s workload.
I knew that my team was already stretched thin but when it came to my turn, I smiled, nodded, and said, “We’ll make it work.”
On the surface, it looked like cooperation. Underneath, it was appeasing.
I softened my voice, downplayed the strain, and didn’t push back though I knew the workload was more than my team could handle because the unspoken rules in the room signaled that harmony mattered more than truth.
Fawning isn’t often named in leadership spaces but it does quietly shape how many of us show up at work, especially in high-pressure environments.
It shows up in:
- our silence during meetings.
- the way we nod even when we disagree.
- how we over-function just to avoid disappointing anyone.
But Fawning isn’t weakness. It’s survival! and from this place we can build resilience.
Understanding Fawning through the Resilience Tree Model
Understanding Fawning through the Resilience Tree Model
Looking back on that meeting moment, my Resilience Tree was already showing signs of strain:
- Roots — depleted from overwork, with little time for rest or spaces of shared identity.
- Branches — thin, because my support systems weren’t engaged at that moment.
- Fruit — bearing more than it should, unprotected by clear boundaries or hibernation.
- Environment — a climate that rewarded compliance, not challenge.
The fawn response thrives in depleted soil and harsh climates.
The Resilience Tree invites us to root deeper, prune relationships wisely, protect our fruit, and seek nourishing environments so leadership can be grounded in agency, not appeasement.
When your roots are watered with fear, self-doubt, or shame, it’s nearly impossible to lead from your full truth.
Fawning becomes fertilizer for burnout. You over-function to keep the peace. You start confusing your comfort with your competence. And you slowly lose trust in your gut.
Through the Resilience Tree Model, we can explore how each element of resilience can either be depleted by fawning or serve as a path to healing:
| When fawning: | Resilience strategy: | |
| ROOTS Refuel, Rest, and Identity-Aligned Community | – There’s often disconnection from restorative practices or spaces that affirm your identity. – You may feel guilty resting or choosing yourself, believing your worth is tied to being useful to others. | – Rebuild rituals of rest, – surround yourself with communities where you don’t have to earn belonging, and – re-learn what it feels like to be accepted without overgiving. |
| BRANCHES People Who Believe in You, Connect You, and Challenge You | You may struggle to discern healthy support from conditional relationships. You might align with those who take advantage of your deference, or avoid those who lovingly challenge you. | Seek out and nurture relationships that affirm your voice, offer honest feedback, and care for your growth—even when you say no or assert boundaries. |
| FRUIT Output, Lessons, and Boundaries | Productivity becomes a tool to gain approval. Saying yes is automatic, and “no” feels like a risk to your safety or value. | Embrace rest as a legitimate fruit. Practice producing from a place of alignment, not fear. Learn that boundary-setting is also a form of leadership and wisdom. |
| ENVIRONMENT Culture, Systems, and Support Needed to Shine | You may adapt to toxic environments by becoming “easy to lead” at the expense of your own voice. Environments that reward over-functioning reinforce the trauma loop. | Name what support, safety, and respect look like for you. Advocate for environments that center psychological safety, inclusion, and shared accountability—not performance for approval. |
What Leadership Looks Like Beyond Survival
Fawning may feel like a quiet, invisible response but its impact on your energy, boundaries, and authentic leadership is very real. By recognizing where you’ve been fawning, you’ve taken an important step in tending to your Resilience Tree.
The goal isn’t to judge yourself for how you’ve coped. The goal is to notice, name, and nurture your next level of resilience.
Because when you learn to lead yourself differently… You lead others differently.
With more pause than panic. More presence than performance. More courage than control.
In the next newsletter, we’ll explore how fawning shows up differently when you are following or leading, and how you can build strength in both roles.
Until then, notice the moments when you might feel pressure to please or avoid conflict and honor yourself for simply noticing.
Reflection Prompts
- When have you found yourself agreeing or accommodating at work to avoid conflict, even if it wasn’t what you truly wanted?
- How does fawning impact your your energy, wellbeing, and ability to rest and refuel (your Roots)?
- How have you experienced moments where your support systems (Branches) felt thin? Are there ways you can invite or cultivate more engaged connections in your current spaces?
It’s time to stop leading from trauma masked as professionalism.
Let’s choose to grow from truth, not fear.
Dig A Little Deeper
If this resonates, read about more leadership practices in my book:
Resilience Tree: A Model for Women Leaders of Color and Those Who Support Them
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Blog Post Written by Dr. Shauna T. Sobers, Author of
Resilience Tree: A Model for Women Leaders of Color and Those Who Support Them
FOOTNOTES:
- Walker, H. (2003, December 10). Fawning: The trauma response we don’t talk about. Human Parts. https://humanparts.medium.com/fawning-the-trauma-response-we-dont-talk-about-603566d6c4ed
- Quach, D. (2021, June 30). The fawn response to racism: Five common manifestations of the fawn response among people of color. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/healing-oppression/202106/the-fawn-response-racism
- Walker, Alice. The Color Purple. New York: Pocket books,1982
- Menakem, R. (2017). My grandmother’s hands: Racialized trauma and the pathway to mending our hearts and bodies. Central Recovery Press.
Drafting assistance provided by OpenAI’s ChatGPT. The thoughts & stories are my own.